Talk about Life Priorities

HI!

I really miss writing my blog. I am having things that I want to write all of them here. Here is like a place that I can go to when I feel like being away from the world for a while. A place to be alone, scattering out all my thoughts and having a great sense of belonging here growing my own little world. Sometimes I just enjoy being in my own company so much without having to think of anything or anyone else. 

Sometime ago I took a Tibetan Personality Test that a primary school friend of mine shared. I have always liked taking these kind of tests so I went on with the link, followed the instructions, did the quiz and the results I think were quite accurate. This is one result from five that I want to talk about: the 1st Question- Life Priorities.

I was surprised that I actually put love above my family and money over my pride. Well..... 

1. FAMILY

My family is my everything. I am very thankful for my parents who have been raising me since I was baby and growing up together with my siblings, they are absolutely half of me. 

My dad is a very calm father, he does not scold but talk to us in a good tone unlike my mom who scolds at the slightest thing. Dad has been forever busy, his face says nothing but stress. It really worries me to see him that way, he is just too attached to his career and things got even worse in the recent years when his business flopped, which was one reason I had to give up continuing my studies abroad. Well, what good does it serves to be doing big businesses but unable to thrive with overwhelming profit? Why continue? He could just wind it up or switch but there are probably reasons that he just can't and I can't wait for the day he ends his business. I don't want him to suffer and slog out so hard anymore. 

While my mom until today in my age of 19 ( 9 more days away) still scold and nag at me so much that sometimes I really wish to be away from home. I don't know if I am really disobedient or it's just her. She puts housework above everything else, including my wellness, probably, and she might not have realized but she's being biased. I am not that kind of child that seeks so much love from my parents but I just need them to be caring and equal. I don't care about being less loved but at least treat us equally. Sometimes I really can't stand it but then I can never thank the heavens enough for giving me a self-less, hardworking and good mother who is always there for us, cooking for her beloved husband and children, who has been keeping the house, our home in shape. She has perfected her job as a mother. I hold her in awe.

No matter what, thank you Dad and Mom. I love you both, and my siblings. You are all my greatest treasure in life.

2. MONEY, PRIDE, CAREER  

Money can't buy happiness they say, but still we're all hoping and going after it like mad aren't we? How ironic. Well, it simply means it does but it's not everything. There are many things far more important than money. You can always earn money back but many things once you lose them you can never get them back. Money can be so dominative and at the same time worthless. I have to say that I do love money, I seek for it, but in every way that is right and clean. I need money but I don't live for it. As for pride, yes, I am willing to swallow it down on something that I should or get it hurt when inevitable. Chances are when you let your pride wins over you then there's gonna be things around you bound to be lost.

Money and pride are both labor and fruit of career. Having a good career is one of a bliss but for me I feel that to achieve great career requires huge dedication. One does not simply dedicate. I think there's more to life than building careers which tie you down. I never liked the feeling of being tied up. 

3.  LOVE

Sigh, this is the last thing that I want to talk about. Honestly I really don't know why but my love life is so not functioning. What even am I saying. Well, up to now in my age of almost 19 I have never been in a relationship yet. You must be thinking what's wrong with me isn't it? Well.....

So I spent almost 4 years when I was around 12 year-old liking a guy silently that probably doesn't even know about my existence. I really don't understand how I managed to hold out liking him for 4 damn years and silently at that! Looking back I really regret why it took me so long to move on, that's how my precious time in junior high school was wasted. This is one of the foolish things that I have ever committed in my life. You, if you ever learn the truth about this you better be proud of yourself for once having lasted in someone's heart for such a long time. Until today whenever I recall this matter I can't help feeling agitated, I know I have to put it behind me, he is not to blame but his presence is a bother to me. This feels like a scar.

I am not the kind of girl that takes initiatives and this is a fact that is never going to change. I am a shy person and I fear rejection. I lack courage and entertain negative thoughts. So when I like a guy chances are me keeping it to myself and I hate this as I had did one for 4 stupid years! I learned my lesson.

It's inevitable to grow feelings for someone, including someone that you don't know and this is the worst thing that always happen to me, one-sided affair. I really feel helpless when it comes to relationship. It's either me falling for someone impossible or I do not return their feelings. 

I think I should just go be a nun.

Goodnight.